Where I’ve been and starting fresh

Hi guys!

Honestly, writing this feels weird. Its been so long since I wrote anything.. do I even know how to anymore? Will anyone actually care about what I have to say? I honestly don’t know, all I know is I’ve missed writing and I’m truly ready to start again now I’m in a better place.

So where have I been?

Well, the past 15ish months have been a struggle. Without going into too much detail, my mental health had hit rock bottom. I had awful anxiety which went untreated and manifested itself into borederlining severe depression over time. I did three months in a job where I felt so undervalued, not supported at all, and overworked. In all honesty, it was a mess. Add personal family issues and a pandemic to the mix.. I was not coping and barely thought I could get from one day to the next. I couldn’t get out of bed, I slept all day and night, stopped eating and cried far too much. I just felt empty

Im not saying this to get sympathy, far from it actually. I am certainly not a fan of remembering that part of my life. I say this because I want to help people. No one deserves to feel thar low, its painful and miserable, it truly changes you in ways you won’t understand unless you’ve experienced it. But it doesn’t have to be the end of you. Its 2022, I’m here ready for my fresh start now I’m in a much healthier place and I want to help you if its what you need. Like a big sister, if you will.

So sit up (if you can), wipe those tears and take 1 deep breath. I want you to read this, and re read this so you make sure it sinks in. I want you to listen, as this is what I wish someone had told me and now I’m sharing it with you.

1. Open a window. Shower. Put on fresh pyjamas, if you can’t do that just wipe yourself with a baby wipe and spray deoderant. Brush your teeth, of you can. It sounds silly, but I’ve been in a place where I couldn’t even do that, I was so down. I felt empty and would just wallow in the depression. but you have to do it. Force yourself, even if it takes all day and is the only thing you do. You will feel better for it.

2. Give your mental illness a name or image. I used Annie Anxiety and Debbie Depression. Remember in the UK, the covonia cough mixture advert where the hairy monster jumped on the man in bed and wouldn’t let go? That is how I pictured anxiety and depression. Two heavy, ugly beasts that thew themselves onto me, and wouldn’t let go. Now imagine yourself doing everything you can to shake them off. Eat the food, take the meds, have a shower… just get rid of them. I know its easier said than done, but giving my illness’ a name and image really helped me to fight them.

3. Take medication offered to you from a professional. I’m stubborn anyway, but depression and anxiety made it 10x worse for the wrong reasons. I spent 3 months refusing antidepressants. However when I eventually caved and tried them, the key is be consistent. It may cause insomnia for a bit and if you forget a dose itll really bring you down, but once you’re settled they can really take the edge off it. If its really not working, go back to your doctor as there’s plenty of other brands out there that might suit you better!

4. Cry. Cry as much or as little as you need. Keeping it in will make it worse.

5 talk to people. This is probably the hardest one out of my list, but its also one of the most important. Write it down in an anonymous support group (I would highly recommend side by side, formerly known as elefriends,) sometimes it helps knowing other people are going through the same things as you.

6. Give it time. No one gets better in just one day, you’re not expected to either. Each day you get through is a win, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Remember, its not the destination that matters, its the journey.

Here are some contact details i hope can be of use. Please reach out to me on twitter at @littleharto of you would like a listening, non judgemental ear. I am here for you.

samaritans.org

mind.org.uk

rethink.org

nhs.uk

menshealthforum.org.uk

Dating App Detox

Hi guys

So today I felt like talking about a topic that I haven’t really spoken about before, but feel it may be good to share as I feel like it isn’t spoken about too often. In May, I decided to delete all my online dating apps after nearly a 2 years of using them on and off.

This was something i’d been thinking about for a long while, however I always found excuses to keep the apps and keep swiping. I guess the constant swiping became a bit addictive. Just the thought of knowing there was so much possibility and potential out there made me feel good, and the surprise of seeing how many matches I got excited me.

I went on my fair share of dates, most of them with lovely people – however it never really worked out for a variety of reasons. Yet there was a constant ticking in my mind that from the age of 21, I needed to try harder and put myself out there to get in a relationship – because I believed that if I wasn’t married by 30 or sooner then that makes me a failure. This is still a mindset that i’m working hard to drop every day, but it really put pressure on me to keep trying with these apps for so long.

Of course, this attitude along side no dates ever really going anywhere became exhausting. I can’t pinpoint when exactly, but it became very clear that it was making me feel quite down about myself. I’d question my self worth a lot, like if I was pretty enough, or if I was good enough, or if I was ever worthy of having a healthy, loving, romantic relationship.

In may, my last… thing… ( not really a relationship but nearly a relationship) ended, so decided it was time to quit dating apps and start putting myself first. I was tired of being so down and it was becoming too much of a distraction, so didn’t feel worth it anymore. If anyone has been througb this, you’ll understand me when I say the first week was a struggle. I looked at dating apps multiple times through the week, and I downloaded a few.. but never logged into them. I just deleted them again and decided I needed to keep myself busy as it was constantly on my mind.

The second week was similar, I thought about them constantly when I was bored. I knew exactly what I was missing, and although I know they aren’t great for me – I missed the swiping and the short term feelings of excitement. Instead, I found myself having to make a conscious effort to stay busy to distract myself from these thoughts.

However, after the two week mark it got so much easier. I kept my head down and got on with my own projects, such as this blog and getting my driving theory finished. ( I passed first time, yay!). I also learnt how to cook, excersized both at home and the gym, and really made an effort to make more friends and reconnect with my existing ones. I feel like this was the massive turning point, where it all suddenly clicked in my head that I am better off taking a break from dating apps. I just needed to spend more time with myself and stop obsessing over my mental ticking clock and live in the present because I am good enough, with or without a partner.

It’s now a two months later, and i’m very proud of the progress i’ve made. I can safely say that although I definitely have lonely nights on the odd occasion ( Putting youtubers on in the background easily fixes that), I don’t miss dating apps as much anymore. I actually feel a lot more at peace without them, and even feel a relieved when I hear of guys not treating their girls right… because for once its not me and my life is actually quite peaceful without men right now. If anything, I just wish that I’d have taken this break sooner. I am very proud of what i’ve achieved so far, however I can’t help but imagine how much quicker I could’ve gotten my driving theory and other tasks out of the way – had I just put my head down sooner and stopped wasting so much time on apps.

Maybe in the future, when I have my own house and car I may consider looking into dating apps again, depending on how I feel when I get there. However i’ve had this time to reflect so will definitely take a different approach. I will ensure that I don’t neglect myself in the process, and try to not take it too seriously. Things like this are not worth feeling sad over, if it works then great, if not then no biggie – life goes on. Life will always go on, because you are really stronger than you think.

Have you guys ever been on datings apps? If so, what did you think?

Take care

~ Emma x

Youtubers you should be watching #2

Hi guys. So over the years i’ve watched a lot of youtuber. However, times have changed a little and as i’ve grown, my so has my taste in youtubers. My last ” youtubers you should be watching” post is a few years old now, so I thought i’d give you a more up to date version of what i’ve been enjoying. Lets get started.

Sophie & Dave.  These youtuber’s are a young couple, who have been vlogging their everyday lives for  couple of years now. Not only do I like their channel because I like to be a bit nosy and see what others do with their day ( but don’t we all?), but they’re both really down to earth and light hearted. If you’ve had a rubbish day, their vlogs are sure to cheer you up!

Melanie Murphy. Melanie is someone who appeared in my last post just over 4 years ago. I guess that really shows how long i’ve been watching her channel! I still love her videos, I truly feel her channel and content has grown and matured with me over the years. She focuses her videos around food, lifestyle, beauty and just pure honesty. No fancy gimmics or clickbate, shes just here to be her most authentic, honest self in the hopes it leaves a positive impact. I can say for an absolute fact that its definitely done that for me. She’s inspired me and changed my mindset for the better, regarding food, relationships and body image and mental health during some of my most difficult years. She’s truly been a rock throughout difficult times over the years, which sounds so silly to say but its true. This is the one and only youtuber who I feel truly connected to, despite the fact weve never actually met in person and only interact on twitter sometimes. I hope I can meet her one day and tell her all of this, but until then i’ll just be leaving this here…

Allie Gilnes. This is a beauty youtuber, who does lots of stunning, glamorous makeup tutorials with a range of products. She creates a lot of glamourous looks, however they can be quite wearable and appropriate for day time, as well as easy to follow! For this reason, she’s definitely worth a watch if youre new and only just starting out with makeup.

Natacha Ocean. If youre looking to get fit, then this is the youtuber for you! Natacha really does not mess around, she films lots of HIIT workouts that are sure to get your heart pumping and legs aching within seconds. However, although her workouts are super tough they can get easier with practice and will leave you with incredible results. The best part is, she knows all the science and works with experts when she researches how workouts and moves can impact us, so she really does know what she’s doing, can back it up, and shows she’s got all of our best interests at heart. A true inspiration for those looking for tougher, effective workouts.

That’s all guys, what youtubers have you been enjoying lately? Let me know in the comments bellow.

Take care,

~ Emma x

An Honest Chat…

HI guys.

Honestly, I feel like I have so many blog post ideas in my drafts at the moment, but I don’t feel like writing any of them. I just want to have a really relaxed, sit down chat with you guys about life and where i’m at. I feel as though although beauty and lifestyle blogs are nice, its also nice to just have a chat and see who the person behind the blog really is. So, get yourself a cup of tea and some snacks, and lets get started.

Phew. Where do I even begin? This past 6 weeks have been intense. Lock down has finally been eased, so that means i’ve gone back to work and am adjusting to normal life again. However, in all honesty, i’m really struggling with getting back into it.

I don’t know whether its just the fact I barely socialised in 2 months, or whether there’s something underlying, but I am struggling to settle back into work and cope with the social aspect of things. Reserved. That’s what i’ve been called. I guess it’s deemed as a bad thing, that’s how its comes out anyway. However I can’t physically help being so quiet. It feels safe and comforting, the less people know the less they have to judge you on. At the same time though i’m already loosing friends because of this, but it’s become so deeply ingrained in me over the years that I don’t know how to turn it around. That’s okay though, i’m sure it’ll come with time. Gotta keep that positive thinking up, right?

Next, I am also going through some changes. Last month, I came off the pill. Oh my goodness I cannot even begin to explain the benefit that this has had on me. I’ve felt quite down and anxious, and very sad ( I won’t use the word depressed though, I don’t think I was quite that bad) and had been for months. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I thought enough was enough, and quit the pill at the beginning of june, and its like the storm clouds in my brain have dissipated. I feel so much more positive, like I can actually cope with things now. My motivation to do well is back. and most days are good days. Yes I may still be a bit reserved at work… but at least i’m not reserved and super sad which is a big improvement for me. Ladies, listen to your gut. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.

Another recent change, is i’ve decided to go on a dating app detox. I may write a blog post about this in more detail if people are interested but honestly, dating is exhausting. The whole concept of chatting online for a bit, to maybe have a first date, then a few more dates if you’re lucky to then be back at square one and have nothing to show for it.. it’s a lot. So I’ve decided to put myself first and take a break from them ( I may return to them in a year or so, who knows.) as i’m tired of feeling so down because of them.Although quitting has been hard, I do feel better in myself now I’ve quit. There’s so much more space and energy in me to focus on next things. I’m also processing things more and learning how healthier, organic relationships may look, so hopefully I can make better choices in the future.

Speaking of focusing on things, I’ve started up my driving lessons again! My driving theory test is coming very soon, and i’m pushing to be ready for my practical test not long after that. If covid has taught me anything, it’s taught me how essential having car can be and that i’ll be so much more free when I have one. I just want to be able to explore and be independent, without having to rely on public transport as its not my favourite. Therefore, my goals are to drive by the end of 2020/beginning of 2021.

I feel like this next 6 months – year needs to be a year about me, and my personal growth. No distractions, just lots of goals, manifestations and self care. I’m only just now realising that

That’s all guys. I hope it doesn’t sound silly, but I do feel better for writing all of this down. I’m so grateful to have a blog where I can have these open, honest discussions. It means a lot.

Take care,

~ Emma x

Counting my blessings, and why you should too

Hi guys. I feel like I say this a lot but honestly i’m not sure what else to describe this year as, other than it being really weird and not feeling quite right. I have found this year super challenging so far and so much has changed, however there is one thing I’m working on changing for the better. That is focusing on my blessings.

I know I know, it sounds super cheesy – but its true. This year has been a roller-coaster so far.. I’ve lost people, and been through heaps of change that is still ongoing. However, counting by blessings in the form of a gratitude journal has been useful for me lately, and is really helping me have a more positive mindset. I will not show the actual pages of my gratitude journal as some points are very personal, but some lighter examples of things I have written include;

• I am grateful for my bed. It is cosy and warm, it is my safe space.
• I am grateful for my health, because I realise i’m getting fitter and stronger everyday.
• I am grateful for my morning cup of tea, because it’s a good way to start the day and be really comforting.
• I am grateful for hearing the birds sing in the morning, as i’m usually to busy to pay attention to them, or even notice them.

This is the general layout of my gratitude journal. I simply write the date and four things i’m grateful for and why, every 3 days.

Although i’m aware that this may not be everybody’s cup of tea – It has been really beneficial to me. This is because it helps me stay focused on what I actually have, rather than the things I don’t have. For example, I don’t have a car so that subsequently has made life a tad more challenging, as the virus has impacted public transport. Next, I am single, so this is teaching me to pay more attention to all the other amazing things around me, and that I don’t necessarily need a partner to feel happy.

However, another good reason to write a gratitude journal is it can help you to either start or end your days in a positive way. For example, if you’re gone to bed and have had a bit of a tough day, you can take the time to pick out a few of the good things that happened. This could then help you not only feel happier, but also sleep better as a result.

Honestly, I wish i’d have started doing this sooner. I’ve felt really quite sad through the first half of lockdown, and feel like this would have really helped me. Never the less, its still a wonderful help now and maybe this post would’ve helped you want to try it too!

That’s all guys, have you ever tried gratitude journalling? Or are you going to try now? let me know in the comments below.

Take care,

~ Emma x

Black Lives Matter.

On the 25th of May 2020, George Floyd was killed by a police officer. He was accused of using a fake $20 bill. George did not resist, he was not a danger. He even offered to give back what he had brought with the $20. Yet he was still forced into the ground and the police officer knelt on his neck for 8 minutes and 36 seconds. George cried for his mumma, asked for water, and repeatedly said “I can’t breathe.” The officer involved was arrested, but had 18 other previous complaints about him. He was most likely only arrested as it was filmed, and people were protesting for justice.

Breonna Taylor, died on the 13th of March 2020. She was on the front lines helping to fight COVID 19. She’d finished work and gone to bed, when police officers stormed into her home and shot Breonna 8 times. They were looking for the wrong person. In fact, the person police were supposed to find was already in police custody. Breonna did nothing wrong, and justice has yet to be served.

This leads me onto today. Protests are happening all over the world, in responce to George Floyd’s death. 99% of them are peaceful, the media only chooses to show the violent riots instead. This also leads to my issue, and why i’m writing this post.

My issue, is with how some people are responding to the protests, peaceful or not. I have seen posts saying “All lives matter” (days after posting a black square to show support.. that was soon forgotten.) My issue is with people kicking off, saying we shouldnt be protesting, were selfish, it’s all our faults if the second wave comes. My issue is with people in my own family, saying “these protests should be banned”. This is coming from a man who is uncle to a 5 year old poc.

Firstly, let’s address the “all lives matters” part. If youre white, do you live in fear of being hurt because of your skin colour? Do you get picked on because of your hair being “too big”? Do you have to suffer in silence as a child, because someones called you a monkey and youre too young to even know how to stand up for yourself against that? No. No you don’t. Youre not the ones being treated badly every day because of your race. I saw something on facebook the other day, it was saying what if a house was on fire? Of course all houses matter, but the firemen are only going to help the burning house – because thats the house that NEEDS the help. At the end of the day, no lives matter until black lives matter – we are not the burning house. Lets focus our attention in a positive way.

Next, the whole ” Youre selfish, the second peak is coming and its all your fault.” Firstly, has anyone actually watched the news lately? Has no one seen people flocking to the beaches, and the VE Day Celebrations where people danced in the street? Has no one watched how peoples attitudes changed, after Dominic Cummings broke lockdown rules? I hate to break it to you, but its already been coming long before the riots even started.

Also, in like 10 -20 years covid will be gone, failing that then a lot more manageable than it is now. Racism will never go away. Its been here for 400 years, and nobody listens. Nobody listens, black peoples rights are violated daily. Protests are the only way to be heard sometimes. Sometimes we DEMAND to be heard because people wont listen otherwise. Racism is a far bigger disease, and we cant wait until tommorow, or next week. We cant wait for more black people to die before we speak up. We need to do it now. Absolutely educate those going on a jolly to beaches, but do not start on those who are fighting for basic human rights – which should have been done years ago.

Finally, the worst in my opinion, the statement “these protests should be banned.” That is silencing an already suffering minority. That is wrong. Sometimes I think about it from my nephew’s perspective. Although hes not fully black, he’s still a POC. He will grow up in 10-15 years time and say “hey, what did you do to help when all of this happened?.” The answer I will give, and the others I want him to hear are ” I protested, I donated, I signed petitions, I spoke up.” To know certain individuals will turn around and say “not a lot, they shouldnt have protested because….” that disgusts me.

I am not doing this because I like to be difficult, or like confrontation. I’m the polar opposite infact. I just want my nephew, my best friend, and all other black people to feel safe, accepted and valued. If something bad happens, I want them to feel like they can go to the police – without fearing for their lives in the process. I want them to be able to walk the streets, without having vile, racist words thrown at them. I want them to live in a world where they recieve the same chances as everybody else. I want them to be happy.

It’s up to us, their white allies, to help make this change. They cannot fight this fight alone. Together, we can make the world a better place. Speak up for whats right, stay driven, and never forget.

Black is beautiful, Black is strong, Black is love. Black lives matter.

Personal update… do I stop being an anonymous blog?

Hi guys,

As you know, this blog has been anonymous for 4 years. I call myself ‘little harto’ as I was very much inspired by Hannah Hart a few years ago  – and was also too scared to show my real self as I was scared of people in my real life finding this and bullying me for it.

However, I have now come to a time where I want to expand this. Although theres lots of comfort in being anonymous, I want to show full makeup looks like everyone else as I feel very restricted right now. But most importantly, I want to see how this grows if I start showing my true, authentic self rather than hiding behind ‘little harto.’  I am 22 now. I am out of college, and I am a grown adult who has a lot more confidence than I did at 17/18 years of age. I want to be more free and see where this takes me. I think im ready for that adventure.

I really hope I will have your support through this, as this is a big step for me. You guys have made me feel so validated and good about my content, so I hope this change is something you can all accept.

Thank you guys, see you soon x

 

-littleharto x

 

 

How I bullet Journal #2 (through quarantine).

 Hi guys, I hope you’re all well. So lately, I’ve been doing a lot of work to keep myself organised and productive – as I’ve had a pretty crazy few months. January felt a million years long, February brought massive change as I got a new job and found happiness, and march and early April have been all about the Corona Virus. I won’t dwell on the virus too much as I want this to be a positive place to relax, however being in quarantine has been tricky as my normal routine has gone. This is where bullet journaling comes in. During this time, i’ve spent more time bullet journaling, in order to try and keep things organised – as i’ve always needed lists and structure to do well. So, here’s an updated ‘ How I bullet Journal through quarantine.

Firstly, I’ve added lots of lists to my bullet journal. I still use my needs/wants list, but have also added goals for the year, Netflix watch lists, and lots of to do lists. This is because they help me feel more productive and accomplished – as keeping busy is really good for my mental health right now.  However, I do want to make it clear that I still have lazy Netflix days and encourage you to do the same, if that’s what helps. Although I choose to be mostly productive, were living through a major historical event so if you need to take it easy in order to cope, then that’s 100% okay!

Next, I use my bullet journal to create routines. This helps to ensure that I have some structure to my days, in order for me to feel a bit more normal. I have included a mix of things that I must do ( such as learning my driving theory) as well as things that are optional, such as going for my daily allowed walk. I think it’s been useful that I included optional things, as well as ‘free choice’ sections to my routine, because if I end up feeling anxious or down one day, I can choose to take it easier, and if that means do nothing, then I can do that with less guilt – as its part of my schedule anyway.  I can then just focus on the things that are non optional before relaxing. However, some days are more empty than others so I can swap and change things according to my mood too. This schedule is not set in stone and neither should yours be – as your own personal needs should always come first.

Finally, I like to mood track ( and yes, I will admit I stole that design idea from pinterest as I thought it was cute). This is one of my newer pages, and definitely one of my  more important ones. Ever since things changed in march, I have been feeling incredibly down and anxious. All I did was read the news and talk about the news. I completely submerged myself in it, and I did notice for two weeks that I was really down and not feeling like myself. So, as well as limiting my news intake to 10 minutes a day, I also created this mood tracker so I could have a visual reminder of how i’m coping at the moment, and if anything needs changing. For example, given the circumstances, I would say this looks okay and expected. However, if it was more blue and purple rather than yellow, that would be a visual hint to me that something needs changing asap in order to feel better.

 

Thats all guys. I know this ended up more brambly than previous posts, however, I feel like this is a more important one – so wanted it to be as unedited and genuine as possible. I really hope you enjoyed it. If you did, leave a comment about how you like to bullet journal!

Take care,

~ littleharto x

My Fitness Journey – living a healthier lifestyle. #1

Hi guys

So a few weeks ago, I joined a gym. The reason for doing this, was that I’ve been feeling very down for the past couple of months ( for reasons that I would rather not share online.). Didn’t really know how to get myself out of  the rut, I just didn’t feel okay with myself and somewhere along the way my confidence and self esteem had taken a hit. So ultimately, my goal  is to not only become stronger and feel healthier, I also needed something to help mentally. Although i’m not too far in and still learning a lot, I wanted to share my journey with you guys anyway and maybe it’ll be useful to someone.

So, here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• No one is looking at you!!!!  Yes it does feel so awkward and daunting stepping into a full gym for the first time, with it being full of massive body builders. However, honestly, they really could not care less about how you look or what excersizes your’e doing. They’re too busy counting their reps, trying to keep themselves on track. If you still feel intimidated, take some music and earphones with you to block everything out, to help you focus on yourself and get things done. It also helps to wear cute gym outfits that you feel confident in – just so you don’t feel as bad if someone does accidentally glance your way for a second.

 

•  Bring your own padlock and key. Although gyms provide these, there could always be an off chance that you could come in at a busy time of day, and they’ve ran out. So if you’ve always got your own personal ones, you never have to worry about that.

 

• This leads on from the last point, but don’t bring any valuables to the gym. Obviously they cant have cameras in the changing rooms as people need privacy to change. That means that by law, they are not responsible for your locker potentially being broken into and items going missing ( they should have signs on the changing room door stating this, just so their backs are covered.) So, when storing things in the lockers I like to use the idea of only storing things that I wouldn’t care too much if they disappeared. Then keep just my phone on me in the actual gym. ( however if you like to swim, then maybe consider leaving your phone at home?) 

 

•  Make a plan…. don’t just wing it. Decide before you go in, what excersizes you want to do and roughly how many reps/length of time itll take.  Maybe make a note in your phone if that helps. That way, it saves you wasting time and feeling awkward wandering around, not really knowing what do to – as you’ll have a plan set. However, if you’re new to the gym, don’t be too hard on yourself for taking slightly bigger gaps in between excersizes to find the next piece of equipment and feel the place out. You’ll get used to it soon enough, and the gaps will shorten.  

 

• Adapt the plan to suit you. You may try a new excersize, and decide you don’t really enjoy it too much( for me, its running, ew.) . and that’s okay, swap it with something else. There’s no point forcing yourself to do what you don’t like, as it will just ruin the experience and make you dislike the gym. Also, don’t go crazy and all out with the machines if your’e a beginner.. adapt the excersize so you can cope better with it. Don’t be like me and go ott with bicep curls because you saw someone else do an amazing job with it.

 

• Stretch as well as warm up!! Trust me, you’ll be so sore and full of regret if you don’t.

•  Finally, remember to have fun!! the gym is not supposed to be a chore, and shouldn’t feel that way unless you put yourself in that mindset. Just go in with a mindset that you’re going to do your best and have a good time, and that’s all that counts. Honestly, I personally get so happy and excited when I see the gym is basically empty and I have all the space and time to do my best at whatever the excersize may be.  Also, once I get in the zone and am counting those reps I feel so good, all my problems are outside the gym doors and I only focus on what i’m doing in that moment. Its so therapeutic for me, and as well as feeling amazing afterwards – I get such a clear head from it.

 

Thats all for now guys. Do you go to the gym? If so, what are your tips?

~littleharto x

My personal goal to happiness.

Hi guys

Im just putting this here because maybe, if its published and out their, ill stick to this better. I hope so anyway. (If youre here for a proper blog post maybe look else where on my blog, as i wouldnt class this as a proper one)

I need to learn, to be comfortable being alone again. Ive confused wanting a relationship, with wanting to stop being lonely which is not okay.

I need to learn to enjoy my own company and to fill it with lots of things that I enjoy, such as shopping, netflix, reading, blogposts, baking ect.

I also need to make the most of surrounding myself with family and friends when i do see them.

I need to work on myself and my own personal goals (eg learning to drive). I need to make sure im always being the best version of me

I need to practice being happy again. Then, when im more secure in myself, i can start trying to make new friends.

This is not me. Somewhere along the way i became reliant on others creating my happiness, but honestly, i need to do that all on my own.